Missing the Tube

When you are away fighting to win America's wars and protecting the freedoms of her citizens, you can't help but inventory all of the precious things you're missing back home. I miss my wife and boy more than I can express in words. I miss the beautiful home that I left behind. I miss the quiet nights sitting in my living room with my dog in my lap while I read a novel. All those things top my list of things that agitate my emotions as I look back on our wonderful United States of America. Topping the list of other things, though, is my television.

I am blessed to be in a location that gives me reasonable and reliable access to the Armed Forces Network, or AFN for those that are familiar with it. The problem is my schedule doesn't allow me the opportunity to properly veg out and reach a full drooling state. That's when you are truly watching television! I'm really not a big fan of television (Note to those who now think me an uppity horse's ass: The previous statement doesn't make me a horse's ass. I'm not saying that the way people who are waaaayyyy too into themselves say "I really don't like television unless it's PBS or C-Span, blah, blah, blah." It's more of a "Good God I'm tired and don't have time to watch TV because I'd rather be sleeping because I have to work tomorrow" type of thing.). I do watch a lot of football though. Anyone who knows me recognizes that I have an unhealthy addiction to televised football and most of my weekends five months out of the year are spent sitting in front of my dedicated football-viewing television switching between the games and watching my fantasy football teams beat the snot out of lesser fantasy football owners on my laptop (Booyah! Sorry. I had to say it). But other than that, most of my television viewing is watching what my wife watches. Though I'm apt to walk out on most of her favorites (like the Real Housewives of Fill-in-the-blank-Metropolis), there are a few shows we watch together that I--so far from home--miss watching:

1) Whale Wars. My wife and I watch this show for different reasons I'm sure. That doesn't mean I know specifically why she watches it. For me, it's in hopes that the environmental terrorist hippie nerds on the Good Ship Steve Irwin get defeated...again. I know that makes me a bit sick, but I've always had an issue with the self-righteous. I'll never forget watching an episode where one of the environmental terrorist hippie nerds on a speedy zodiac boat is utterly appalled and pissed when the Japanese whalers start shooting at them. "They could kill one of us," he exclaimed. Uh, yeah. You think? I've got an idea: WHY DON'T YOU STOP THROWING STINKY ACID AT THEIR SHIPS?! The uber-nerdy executive officer of the ship has the unenviable job of defending the king of the self-righteous idiots: the hapless captain. I think they should present this show in leadership courses on how not to lead others.

Look, I don't want to see whales needlessly killed either. More than that, though, I don't want to see self-righteous, anti-industrial eco-terrorists on a vacation from their regular jobs as artists, street mimes, out-of-work actors, and trust-fund leeches get away without at least a near-death experience every episode. It warms my heart.

2) Renovation Realities. There is nothing like watching regular, everyday people tackle impossible home remodels without the help of anyone that knows what they're doing. I'm always waiting for the next hilarious nailgun accident or the two-story fall from the roof. Three stories you say? Never, that's just downright sick. But two stories and I'm doubled over in laughter. What would sweat and tears be without blood to round it all off?

3) Little Miss Perfect. I watch in awe as these nutty mothers yell at their beautiful little girls when they cry because their hairspray doesn't hold their hair to the compulsory three-foot height. Then, the viewers are rewarded for withstanding this torturous show by the CEO of Little Miss Perfect Pageants International Incorporated Worldwide--Michael--singing the Little Miss Perfect Pageant song, aptly named (I think) "Little Miss Perfect Pageant". Only one word can describe it: "Fabulous"! I laugh to tears and Lyndi laughs at me laughing at him. It actually injects a minute amount of joy into our lives.

4) Anything with little people. Preferably little people doing crap that I do every single day and getting multi-million dollar television contracts for it. Got it. They're short and it makes life that much harder. Maybe we can play this theme over in other varied life scenarios. Please come up with new ideas because there are NOT enough shows with little people. I think A&E has a whole wing in their headquarters buildings to come up with little people shows. I actually believe this.

5) Shows about competitive cake baking. I usually only give the show cursory glances until the point where they have to move the cakes. That is when I become truly engaged. I chew my fingernails in nervous hope that they drop the cakes. Don't judge me. That's the only reason why you watch too! It's like NASCAR for cake bakers (Because we only watch NASCAR for the wrecks. Don't believe me? Watch SportsCenter. What are they showing? BINGO! The wrecks. It's sick and twisted I know!). And I'm always confused because these competitions are normally in great vacation spots like Vegas. PEOPLE--you're in Vegas! Why are you in the audience at a cake competition?! "Hey baby, I think we should go watch Blue Man Group or Wayne Newton," he says. "No honey, I have a better idea! Let's go watch people make cakes for six hours," she says. If I am the guy in this scenario, I'd go just to yell out distractions as they carry the cake that grueling, treacherous five foot stretch of ground. I'm actually hoping they come up with competitive cake shows featuring just little people, though I'd feel worse about yelling the distractions. But only a little.

6) Dexter. That's it. Nothing clever. It's just a kickass show.

7) House Hunters International. This is a show I actually like myself. My wife and I long ago ditched the mere ho-hum of House Hunters and we now only watch the international version. Nothing stokes our dreams of living in overseas splendor like a quick thirty-minute episode of this show. Even so, there are always a few things that give me pause. First, why does it seem that every place an American tries to buy in Europe, well, sucks. "George had a two-hour layover in Italy and loved it. Now, he wants to leave his steady job with benefits in Newark and move to Tuscany to chase his dreams of becoming a glass sculptor." George, on a shoestring budget of a petty three-hundred fifty thousand dollars, is then shown three places that look not unlike World War II bomb shelters by a haughty European real estate agent in a turtleneck and a skirt that looks more appropriate on a fortune teller. George says, "Uh, there is no kitchen." Real estate agent responds, "Zis is no problem. We will fix." George smiles. George then notes, "There's no bathroom." Real estate agent responds, "It is with chickens...outside. Very quaint." Six months later, George is living in a moldy 400 square foot concrete bunker with a stylish Italian cot for a bed that doubles as a couch. Europe, you're off the Nickerson's list.

Our favorite episodes are what we call "the Beach Episodes". There's a special place on our DVR for these. I have come away with a few simple rules for house hunting in island nations:

     a) I don't care how great the golf courses are; if there has been a ruling dictatorship in, oh, the last thirty years in the paradisio that you're shopping for your retirement home, you should probably reconsider. I'm sorry, but when Suzanne Hwang starts out with, "Recent reforms in Republica de filindeblanco have made foreign home ownership more palatable to the natives..." you should go find another island to spend your waning years! The wonderful vistas from the deck of your new home in Sandinista Commons just aren't worth the grief you will no doubt incur once the cameras stop taping.

     b) Beware the $200 a month security fee. I've lived on a street where I had to pay a monthly security fee. Two malnourished guards in tattered uniforms trying to stay awake while keeping their AK-47s squarely in their lap aren't going to stop the cartel from making your retirement herb garden a, well, herb garden. "The secluded beach compound is far enough away from small arms fire to keep Martha and Hank secure for the rest of their lives." Yeah, Roy and Lyndi will never be Martha and Hank.

8) Hoarders. It always makes me look in my messy garage and wonder if I, too, am a hoarder. And then I wonder if I'm a hypochondriac. My throat hurts and I think I'm coming down with a cold...and a fever. Check my temperature.

9) Pawn Stars. I always come away wondering if my collection of baseball cards and/or period hats will cover my retirement costs. I could be sitting on a gold mine.

10) Dirty Jobs. How many ways can Mike Rowe make dealing with feces entertaining? Please Mike, eat the bat guano. Really. That's the only reason I watch the show.

I have all those great things like my family, Americana, rock 'n roll, picnics, ma, pa, and apple pie to return to the great US of A for and I can't wait to wrap myself up in it all. Rounding out my list of things to get home to are the aforementioned television gems. Warm up the TV Lyndi! I'm coming home soon.