Chick Flicks

C’mon ladies. Let’s get real. I’ve been forced over the years to watch more than my fair share of what we men like to call “chick flicks”. Now these movies come in many forms, but the following are some truths I have culled that I must pass on to you:

1) No matter what Lifetime says, I do not have another family hidden somewhere. We barely have enough money to pay for one Coach purse let alone another for a second wife. When we’re away on business, we’re away on business and our only indiscretion is probably a too-long stare at a Hooters waitress. Now, put away the gasoline and the straps for the bedposts Farrah.

2) I don’t care if Matthew McConaughey has six-pack abs. We, most likely, never will. It’s that whole “liking food and beer” thing we have going on that keeps us thick around the midsection. If we do have six-pack abs, then we’re most likely arrogant asses and sooner or later, you’ll grow to hate us (but strangely keep us around because you can change us…sound familiar?). Remember:  fat men have more to love.

3) We’re not vampires and/or werewolves and if we were, we’d use our mad skills to get, well…we’re not vampires and werewolves!

4) We have regular jobs and regular hobbies that we are, at best, mediocre at. Sorry; you’re not going to find out later that we now make glass sculptures out of metal rods stuck in the sands of the beach where we used to play as children. From lightning. Seriously, yes, that was in a chick flick. I vomited in my mouth.

5) If we’re secretly taking dance classes with a lady that looks like Jennifer Lopez, you should worry.

6) We love you. We’ve said it plenty. You shouldn’t expect us to break into song about it (though I do a pretty kick-ass hand-jive. OH YEAH!).

7) Rain, snow, and form of precipitation…NO! We don’t want to frolic in it. It’s cold, it’s, uh, wet, and it’s about as romantic as the smell of Ben Gay.

8) If you’re normally awkward and uncool and the coolest, best-looking guy in the school asks you out, things WILL end badly for you. Throwing out some words for your consideration: alcohol, rufies, awkward groping, blood from the ceiling…think about it. Men are more James Spader than Andrew McCarthy, especially with a few beers in us. Sorry for the Pretty in Pink reference. I had a big sister.

9) If you’re staying at a lodge with your family and you flirt with a thirty-something dance instructor and he reciprocates, it’s not romantic. In fact, it’s not legal and the creep should go to jail. I do agree, though, that nobody puts Baby in a corner.

10) And this I learned from my wife:  You can never totally trust your girlfriend, because girls will stab you in the back.  No matter if she's the wind beneath your wings or not.

So there you have it. I’ve given you the male perspective. I, personally, will have my daughter only watch movies that have accurate depictions of men. Like Gladiator and Braveheart.